You know, you were jealous that day,
When I said he wanted me as his girlfriend,
And you thought that was all I had to say.
You know, it didn't really need to end,
When you told me I was psycho,
And you said you couldn't bend.
You know, you didn't have to go,
When I begged you to stay,
And you flatly told me, "no."
You know, my best friend thought you might be gay,
And I fought with her so much,
And "he'll hurt you," was all she'd say.
You know, all I wanted was your touch,
But you wouldn't even give me that,
And now I miss you so much.
I wonder where you're at.
I didn't see you go,
But you've been gone so long,
So much I do not know,
And so many things gone wrong.
I really want to die,
And you really just don't care,
And I never told you a lie,
But it's like you weren't even there.
You got on a plane and vowed to hate me,
And I never even knew why,
You told everyone that you refused to date me,
And we both know that was a lie.
You're gone now,
I should just move on,
But I don't know how,
I can't stand that you're gone.
What did I say? what did I do?
Why is it fair that I fell in love with you?
What went wrong? who can say?
Why did you say you hated me that day?
Who was lying? who was wrong?
What does it matter now that you're gone?
Who was at fault? who is to blame?
Not that things can ever be the same.
Why did you kiss me? why did I let you?
I should have run the moment I met you.
Why did this happen? why is it such?
Why did I have to love you so much?
Why did we argue? why did we fight?
What could have changed over night?
Did I scare you? were you afraid?
What would have happened had you stayed?
Did you realize? did you know,
That I hoped beyond hope that you wouldn't go?
Why do you hate me? what did I do?
My only mistake was falling for you.
What did you expect? what did you want?
Why did you choose me to haunt?
When was it over? when will it end?
When will my broken heart mend?
Why couldn't I show you? why couldn't you see?
God damn it, why couldn't you love me?
Sign My Guestbook
Devilish eyes; sardonic grin:
Such good looks should be a sin!
Mincing words; biting comments:
Hours and hours of endless torment.
I wish you loved me; know you don't.
Would like to tell you; know I won't.
Moments of bliss; hours of hell:
Through it all, I still wish you well.
Confusion, confusion, confusion, confusion!
All of my happiness, just an illusion.
Such potential; such a sweet dream.
And nothing turned out to be what it seemed.
Your dazzling wit; your piercing irony:
All worked to destroy my perfect harmony.
You owed me nothing, but I wanted it all.
And when the time came, no one could catch my fall.
Now I've become another of love's fatalities.
You were but a dream, that died in the face of reality.
This guy I know
Showed up at a poetry
Reading on Friday night,
Totally drunk off his ass.
He's reasonably cute,
And my mom keeps
Asking me why I don't
Like him. My mom, the
Eternal Optimist. I
Could like him all I
Want, and it still
Wouldn't change the
Fact that he'd never
Go out with me,
Even though he is
A druggie fuck up
With no ambition.
I always was attracted
To those types. So,
Anyway I don't waste
Anytime pining over
Him, for there are
Much better looking
Guys who'd never have me
To pine over. Anyway,
This guy said he was
Bummed that he missed
My reading, told me it
Was the only reason he
Showed up, and then
Nonchalantly picked some
Flowers out of a nearby
Planter. Foolishly I thought
He was going to give them
To me. As he started to
Walk away, he turned and said,
"I've got to go find a pretty
Girl to give these to."
Followed by, "I'll see you
Later, sweetheart."
Fucking men. Well,
I'm nobody's sweetheart
And I'm not a pretty girl.
I don't need a man to ascribe
Meaning to my existence,
And I don't really need
Another guy who only likes me
When he's drunk. There's not
A whole lot I need that
I can't get for myself.
But, I would like, just once,
A guy to call me "sweetheart"
And mean it.
Of all the dreams I ever had, I wanted you the most,
And here I am, alone and sad, still haunted by your ghost.
I miss your smile, I miss your kiss, the sensation of your touch,
But to you, none of those things, ever mattered much.
Why you left, I'll never know, you never meant to tell me,
And how was I to foresee, all the horrors which befell me?
A fool was I, to dream so grand as ever having you,
But when we kissed, my darling, nothing else was true.
I wept to see you, died to touch you, shuddered at your frown,
But it seems, to me at least, I always let you down.
My kind words, my fond caresses were never your desire,
And through your bitter words and acts, you worked to squelch my fire.
I did my best to try and be everything you wanted.
And in the end here I am still all alone and haunted.
There's nothing left for me to do, I've exhausted every resource.
So, I sit and count the tears, still drowning in remorse.
I did the things you asked, but you never shared yourself with me,
And so I kill myself, again and again, over dreams which cannot be.
I'll hold onto your eyes, your lips and your sardonic smile,
For I need those precious memories for just a little while.
Yes, it's true, I still weep, and for you I still yearn.
For through this all, my darling, I have yet to learn.
I'll never know, what it was, I did that was so wrong,
And I never quite imagined, I'd be haunted for so long.
Immortalized on paper, you are, volumes I have filled,
All about our love, which you so mercilessly killed.
My mind still plays tricks on me, that one day you'll be mine,
But for my having, you'll never be, no matter how I pine.
And of the miseries which dance wildly through my head,
The worst is, my dear, to me you are just as good as dead.
Time hasn't stopped, just because you fled,
The days still drag on, unknowing.
And I retire each night to a cold bed,
For I couldn't stop your going.
The days each pass, all the same,
And the seasons flutter by.
For I couldn't keep up with the rules of your game,
Although I gave it one hell of a try.
The minutes pass, the clock chimes,
And shadows fall across bare walls,
I try to remember happier times,
Remnants of a lovelier fall.
The weeks wander their way through the year,
Nothing I can do will stop them.
And I wonder why I couldn't keep you here,
What exactly was the problem?
Now time has passed,
More time than we were together,
I don't know how long I thought it would last,
But your emotions I could not tether.
The months all linger in my mind,
The days and nights we spent,
I remember the days when you were kind,
Trying to trace our emotional descent.
I'm sure the years will come and go,
And I too will soon move on,
But there are so many things I just don't know,
For I still don't know why you're gone.
I once dated a guy
Who told me that I
Absolutely terrrified him,
And called me the
Closest thing to
Pure Evil, he'd ever
Encountered. I guess it's
Safe to say that we were
No longer dating at that
Point. Now, don't get
Me wrong, this was not
The first time a guy has
Told me that I
Scared him. By the
Time I turned 18, I
Had learned to not
Let it hurt my feelings.
I actually began to think
It was kind of cool.
But Pure Evil? Now
That's sinister. Makes
It sound like I killed his
Dog or something. Which,
By the way, I had
Nothing to do with.
The thing I don't understand
Is his motivation for
Calling me that. I mean,
During the last civil conversation
We had before he told me
How he really felt, I had
Offered to buy him a pair
Of $300.00 Armani pants.
I guess to some people
That must seem pretty
Evil. It apparently turned
Him off. Anyway, the only
Retort I could come up with
After he practically called me
The Anti-Christ was that his
Experience was obviously
Limited. I mean, you'd think
He'd never before encountered
An obsessive-compulsive
Manic-depressive with a near
Genius IQ. Sheesh, we're a dime
A dozen at your local poetry readings.
We're such a revered group that
People even try to emulate us.
You must have seen these people.
They sit in coffee shops, sipping
Lattes, wearing all black, talking to
Their friends about how
Fucking deep they are.
Oh the pain of actually being
Nothing more than a shallow
Fucking high-schooler with
An eleven o'clock curfew.
I hate those people. I
Bet no one will ever tell
Any of them that they're
The closest thing to
Pure Evil ever encountered.
Of course, that's what I think
Of them, but I'd never waste
My time to tell them that.
Anyway, this is not about them.
This is about him.
This guy, the one who
Thinks I'm Satan. Well,
You see, I love him.
And I try to forget that
The day after he said
Those horrible things—
Yes, there were other things,
The Pure Evil comment just
Really sticks with me. The
Next day, he moved to
New York. He was such a
Pretentious asshole.
What do you expect from
A graduate of Art Center
In Pasadena, though? He
Was moving to New York
To find a job, and then go
To NYU to study theoretical
Physics, for he said it would
Make him a better painter.
I think after he told me that
I fell in love with him. It
Sounded like such a beautiful
Idea. Anyway, he was
An asshole, who thought
He read me like an open book.
He's somewhere in Manhattan now,
And I'm sure he never thinks about me.
But I wonder, if
I'm so easily read, if he
Knows that secretly,
I dream of the day he'll come
Back and apologize.
Could it be? Is it actually possible that
The love of my life has just walked back into
It? As I walked in and saw you sitting there
In your GQ casual attire, I almost dropped
Dead to the floor. With your nonchalant
Arrogance and your feline mannerisms, so
Odd since you hated cats the way you did.
You sat there with your artfully feathered
Hair, with that air of being the only one in
The coffee house that mattered, and you
Were right. I couldn't breath, could it be that
You were right there in front of me again.
Had you come back to finally make
Amends? You tapped your foot in that way
You always
Did. And just looking at you set
My mind to dreaming, the way your
Countenance always inspired me to.
My God, could you be back?
Could you have
Found me? Would we be reunited at last?
Then, you got up to have a cigarette.
My God, did you smoke? I
Couldn't remember.
But you smoked exactly the way I imagined
You would.
It had to be you. No one had the
Mannerisms you did.
I'd never met a man
Like you before. Never met a man that
Carried himself as if he'd just stepped out of
An Armani ad.
I had to know for sure. I had
To talk to you. So, nervously, I introduced
Myself, and you were not you.
But you were!
My God to talk to him was just like
Talking to you, but with less pretension.
The same amazingly intellectually stimulating things
Were said, and they were coming from a
Mouth so strikingly like yours that
I thought I might be dreaming, and if
I was dreaming, I
Never
wanted to wake up again.
And as our conversation continued,
He became less you,
And more him, and he was wonderful.
His hair is a little straighter, a little darker, and
His eyes weren't the blue that yours are, but
He possessed a height which you will always
Lack. And soon, I wasn't talking to you at
All. I was talking to him, and you had fled
From my mind completely. And you were
Replaced with this vision of you, which
Wasn't you, it was better.
I'm sorry, sir but you and I agreed,
That you were marrying for love, and I for greed.
I'm sorry sir, but it was understood,
That I would only love you, if I possibly could.
I'm sorry sir, but you knew how it was,
And this too shall pass as all else does.
I'm sorry sir, but what did you expect?
I told you that you at least had my respect.
I'm sorry sir, but didn't you understand?
I'm so sorry, if this wasn't what you had planned.
I'm sorry sir, but love is but a joke,
And "I do" just two meaningless words that I spoke.
I'm sorry sir, but you can't have my heart,
We made that agreement from the start.
I'm sorry sir, but I've done all that I can,
And you knew I told you from the start, that you weren't my kind of man.
I'm sorry sir, but if you think this is wrong,
When you wake in the morning, I'll gladly be gone.
I'm sorry sir, but there are no fairy tales.
And convenience is the key when all else fails.
I'm sorry sir, but this is now your life,
You should have known better than to make me your wife.
I'm sorry sir, but happiness is a lie,
And we must do what we can before we die.
I'm sorry sir, but let's get real,
You're not entitled to know what I feel.
I'm sorry sir, but I'm playing the part,
And no one need know you haven't my heart.
I'm sorry sir, but I said you'd regret it,
I tried to call it off, told you to forget it.
I'm sorry sir, but you knew what I wanted,
And you said, "okay," you were undaunted.
I'm sorry sir, but romance is dead,
Don't argue with me, at least I share your bed.
I'm sorry sir, but there's no such thing as magic,
And didn't I tell you, I thrive on the tragic?
I'm sorry sir, but this as good as it gets,
I'm sorry sir, but it doesn't get any better than this,
And one day you will learn, a kiss is but a kiss.
I'm sorry sir, but did you want me to lie?
I made it known, I loved another guy.
I'm sorry sir, but love must sometimes be learned,
It's something that you're going to have to earn.
I'm sorry sir, but I told you my terms,
I'm sorry sir, but didn't I explain,
That most of my thinking's rather insane?
I'm sorry sir, but you got what you wed,
And I can't help feeling I'd be better off dead.
I'm sorry sir, but I loved your money,
And you knew that from the beginning, honey.
I'm sorry sir, but I'm sick of being sad,
There's only so many times you can make me feel bad.
I'm sorry sir, if you truly love me,
But I told you that my love for you could not be.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it would come to this,
Would it make it any better if I gave you a kiss?
I'm sorry sir, but you can't change me,
And I feared this was how it would be.
I'm sorry sir, but my soul is my own,
All I can say is that you should have known.
I'm sorry sir, but you needn't shove,
I said you had me, but I never mentioned love!
What did I say? what did I do?
Why is it fair that I fell in love with you?
What went wrong? who can say?
Why did you say you hated me that day?
Who was lying? who was wrong?
What does it matter now that you're gone?
Who was at fault? who is to blame?
Not that things can ever be the same.
Why did you kiss me? why did I let you?
I should have run the moment I met you.
Why did this happen? why is it such?
Why did I have to love you so much?
Why did we argue? why did we fight?
What could have changed overnight?
Did I scare you? were you afraid?
What would have happened had you stayed?
Did you realize? did you know,
That I hoped beyond hope that you wouldn't go?
Why do you hate me? what did I do?
My only mistake was falling in love with you.
What did you expect? what did you want?
Why did you choose me to haunt?
When was it over? when will it end?
When will my broken heart mend?
Why couldn't I show you? why couldn't you see?
God damn it, why couldn't you love me?
Pardon me, but didn't you know?
My heart didn't give you permission to go.
I gave you my love, and you didn't care,
I only wanted you to be there.
I gave you my kisses, which you gladly took,
Claiming that you read me like an open book.
I adored you, but to that you took offense,
I've never met anyone with so much pretense.
I knew you were leaving, that you had to go,
But that was no reason for you to treat me so.
I don't know what drove you: hate or fear?
But why did you pretend to hold me so dear?
I can't help but wonder what you were trying to gain,
And what was your reason to cause me so much pain?
Everything was so perfect, it was like a dream,
Tell me, how could nothing have been what it seemed?
You were the man I had always dreamed of,
How could you expect me to not fall in love?
It's not my fault that you were so charming,
I couldn't help but find your wit disarming.
I don't know why you chose to torture me,
And I don't know why this must be,
All I know was that my love was true,
But that didn't mean a damn thing to you!
There are so many things I'd like to say to you,
But the time has passed, and I have more to do.
So, I'll give you these few lines; all these words,
And maybe, for once, I'll finally be heard.
I'm not here to talk about your intelligence or your eyes,
You never really hurt me-there were no lies.
But those are the things of which I usually write,
Yet I can pinpoint no betrayal, and just one fight.
You're not out of my league, we're just playing different games,
But none of that really matters, it would have ended the same.
You were the one that I believed was as interesting as I,
And I just wanted to find out the reason why.
Our attempts at friendship have all failed,
So, I think it's just about time that I bailed.
Cheesecakes and poems are all I have to offer you,
And you've made it quite clear that these just won't do.
It wasn't your heart I was after, it wasn't your touch.
None of those things really matter to me that much.
Friendship is the one thing that I truly sought,
What I got was the lesson that you couldn't be bought.
You thought you had me figured, I was easily read,
Yet you could never grasp what goes on inside my head.
You were none of my dreams, not really a fantasy,
Let's face it, we all know you're not Morrissey.
I'd still love to know how you think, who you are,
But I've said too much, already gone too far.
So a classic friendship that could have been will never begin,
But I know that this is how it always ends.
I just wish I could hear all of the things that I know you have to say,
And I'm really sorry that we will never be friends, Andrei.
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